Your #1 Habit That Is Pushing People Away
Without yourself knowing
Have you ever noticed people who are close to you suddenly seem to ignore you? The reply time increases. They take the other route when they know you are coming down the way.
It confuses you.
Then probably you have this habit. This will make or break your relationship with others. It is too subtle to notice and too uncomfortable to realize.
That is. Giving uninvited opinions/advice.
Advice is abundant. It is always in supply regardless of demand. I had been guilty of it too but later I realized the maturity and empathy in accepting the way others make their own faults.
A.) The Truth vs The Unnecessary:
I admire people who are honest with me. It is rare to find. But if I do,
I cherish them. They will see that.
When I do dumbshit, I expect my friend to let me know that I'm fooling myself around. If I am doing anything wrong, I expect him/her to be direct in calling it out.
A good friend would not want to see you not living up to your potential.
He/She should be a sanity check.
Honesty is the sexiest trait one can have. But wait, there is a twist.
There is a difference between being honest and being intrusive.
Unless the fact you are about to tell helps the other person navigate the reality better or you feel that you would benefit from it if you were in their shoes, shut the fuck up. Simple.
You don't have to reveal all the tiny details to them.
Delivering constant comments about them and their actions in the name of being honest and supportive only backfires.
It harms their heart without any purpose.
They will slowly realize this though it is not conscious.
They will feel the invisible judgment and the feeling of being uncomfortable with doing anything around you because anyways you will find a way to ‘help them’ by giving advice.
B.) You make it about you:
*STORYTIME*
It was 3 years ago.
My dad came to pick me up from the bus station. I just came back from the hostel. He brought me to a cafe and got me all the nicest food. We came out of the shop and there was a woman begging nearby.
She came to me and asked for help. I snugly took out the money. While giving her, I asked my dad, “why would people with no physical challenge would beg. How lazy they are. Damn. It is frustrating.” in a pretentious and arrogant tone.
He said, “If you don't want to help someone, Don't. But never help someone and make it about yourself. You never know”.
It was a hard slap.
Not 2 individuals have the same entire set of life experiences.
Everybody has different maps of reality they use to navigate.
You constantly deliver uninvited opinions/advice because of the fact that you think you are superior in some kind and others are not.
You think that your way of doing things is the right one.
C.) You violate them:
Autonomy. It matters.
You tell them all the ways they are flawed and ways to change them.
It is a violation of autonomy. They start to feel powerless over their own life.
Even if you try to change them out of good intentions, it doesn't matter.
Not giving constant commentary and not trying to change someone is showing real respect for their life and their choices.
It will be seen through. They will not feel judged by you.
Also,
If you give someone advice and they fail to follow through, they rationalize that failure by hating you.
It just sucks and makes everyone awkward in the process.
Shut up more often.
Should I not help people anymore?
No. That's not what I am saying.
If you ever had a girlfriend, you would know.
She calls you 4 times in a row. You just ‘silence’ her. You didn't pick up because exiting the game would cancel the match. Nobody wants that. Right? Yes.
She calls again and you pick up casually expecting a bunch of fireworks because of the number of missed calls. But god forbid, not this time. Okay.
You are safe. Temporarily.
She's pissed off at something. She speaks agitated and you sense something is fishy. You ask “what's wrong?”.
Then all of a sudden you find yourself in midst of the emotional vomit she just took on you. She is sobbing.
She wants to share more but you would not let her. Because.
Now, YOU are pissed off. More than her. You are furious at the way life treats her badly. Come on, she's the love of your life. How unfair! She is that all-innocent and good-hearted princess. God dammit. How can she feel bad?
You beat your chest like a king kong and take your sword like a warrior to protect her (no pun intended).
You try to ‘solve’ her problems.
Then something interesting happens.
She gets even more pissed off and she goes flight mode leaving you more confused than you were initially.
Then you think to yourself, “OMG, why girls are so crazy? It makes no sense”. Then you return to your video game more dissatisfied with her than before.
The lesson is,
When a person comes to you with a problem, validate them instead of helping them.
Tell them that it is normal to feel that way. To be confused and clueless.
Tell them that you would feel the same if you were in their place.
Tell them, you trust that they are strong enough to get through this.
Let them articulate the problem and understand themselves better.
Question them better.
Support them by listening.
Have macro-empathy. You will see the difference. People will crave to be around you.
Someone who minds their own stuff.
Much love,
Subash.
